“My dearest love…wherever you are…”

I started to write out a letter that I had been meaning to write for what seems like a lifetime. The only way that these feelings were getting out was here and now. This was more of a spur of the moment type thing. That’s always how I did things. Cleaning, hanging out with my friends, falling in love, buying groceries. If I didn’t do things right at that exact moment, I would never get around to them. Or, at least, I think that’s how it went.

I’ve had many loves. Falling in love with a person is a different story. I never wanted to. I was always so scared. I think I’ve only been in love twice. Maybe three times. My first, Preston, we were together for three years, my longest relationship. I was happy for the most part, but the last six or so months were pure hell, but I won’t get into that. The second, Jax, we never dated. He never knew that I loved him. We spent so much time together and the topic never came up. He wanted to take things slow and I understood that completely. The problem was that his version of slow was not talking to me for days at a time. I eventually gave up on Jax because he wouldn’t talk to me. I still think about him on more than one occasion. I invited him to holidays and events that involved us spending time together having fun, but they just became memories and those memories turn into daydreams. The third, Jesse, however, I’m still in a toss-up over. He told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship then found someone in another state. He didn’t personally tell me, but I overheard a conversation and he didn’t deny it. I’ll admit, I was angry about it because I thought there was still hope. Not anymore.

I looked outside of the bus window as my mind raced. The noises were too much for me to handle at the moment. There was an african-american woman yelling nonsense at her daughter who wasn’t listening, an elderly man who was coughing as if his lung was pierced, and there was a girl who looked as if she was lost. I put my earbuds in my ears to block everything out so I could concentrate. Then I wondered how I looked. Was I prim and proper? Was I sitting up straight? Did I look depressed? Did I look alone? Did I look as empty as I felt? I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched at all tines of the day. I loved attention, but this wasn’t the attention that I wanted. I almost felt like this was way out of my league. I looked down at my paper. I still hadn’t written anything past the introduction. Writers block was a bitch. That mixed with my insomnia was the worst feeling ever. I felt so empty and tired.

There was something in me that felt like I needed another human being with me to feel complete. Now, I knew that wasn’t true, but it’s just how I felt. “I love you and I don’t even know who you are. Are you in front of me and I’m just blind? I’m tired of the same old shit that I go through every day. I sometimes feel like the world would be better off without me and my eternal happiness would come in the afterlife.” I scratched that part out. My future husband couldn’t know that I was suicidal. I know that would turn me off in a heartbeat. “Come out, come out, wherever you are! Please!” Oh god, now I was just sounding desperate. I haven’t been in a relationship in a year. I know it’s still fresh but it feels like forever ago. Once you let go of a love, time just seems to come and go whenever it pleases. This was not okay with me.

“I like long walks on the beach and holding hands, but not too much PDA. Must love dogs.” I chuckled at the thought of this sounding like a dating profile. This certainly wasn’t my style at all. “Just know that you don’t have to change. I like you just the way you are.” I could feel my rage building as time went on. My hand worked faster than my brain and eventually the paper flipped in my hands. This was turning into a letter of hatred towards Jax. How he treated me. How he didn’t talk to me for days on end and then act like nothing is wrong. How he toyed with my heart like it was his own personal marionette, tugging at my heartstrings with every word and action. His smile was the worst. I loved his smile. It made my insides warm and made my day just a little bit brighter. I would go to see Jax and it frustrated me that he didn’t drive, but it was okay. I loved him, so I made the effort to see him no matter what. That’s what love is, isn’t it? Sacrificing one leisure for another? Or am I confused on that?

My anger turned into depression and sadness. I wanted to sit there and cry over everything that had happened in my life leading up to that point. My parents divorce, my best friend dying, family members passing away, graduating high school, regrettably switching jobs, moving out on my own and still having no family to come home to every night. No one to hold and feel safe with at night. No one there to talk to whenever you need it. A tear fell from my cheek and onto the paper. “Whatever I have done, I’m sorry. Truly.” My hand shook and I tried my damned hardest not to cry out loud. I missed Jax but he didn’t miss me and I couldn’t understand it. The bus stopped and the elderly man got off. He took one last cough before walking inside the bus station. Good riddance. I didn’t want to get sick. Not now. Jax’s face popped back into my head. All of these emotions overflowed me at once.

If you’re a lover, you should know; the lonely moments just get lonelier the longer you’re in love than if you were alone. A new song started playing on my phone. It was like it knew what I was feeling. Thanks for making it worse. The next stop was up ahead. My stop. Maybe 15 minutes away. I looked away from my paper of feelings and took everything in. The african-american mother was silently playing with her daughter. The lost girl was playing Angry Birds on her phone. This made me realize that anything can change in a matter of minutes. Just like the weather in Ohio, so I’m told. Life goes on whether you like it to or not. Memories get erased. Loves are lost. Moments can last forever, but only if you allow them to. I wanted our moment to last forever, but it didn’t work out that way. He didn’t want it to last past what it did. Maybe something better is in store for me. I looked at my piece of paper, still unfinished. “You’ve lost what could’ve been the best thing in your life. It’s obvious you aren’t ready and I am. I’m sorry.”

I smiled. The thought of something greater ahead of me was exciting. I wanted it more than ever. Waiting for it was the worst thing ever, but worth it in the end. Be patient, I told myself.

“All my unwanted love,

Kathryn”